Beyond the 'Hype': Promoting the Spirit of the Holidays

By Kathy Brandt

Parents are working hard—and succeeding—at preserving and renewing the true meaning of this special time of the year.

If you were to visualize a special scene from the holidays of your childhood, what would you see?

When I remember Christmases past, I see our living room filled with aunts and uncles, cousins and friends. The tree in the corner sparkles with tinsel; the fire crackles; visitors share fruitcake and Christmas candies. My uncle stands at the piano singing "Adeste Fidelis" in his booming baritone, and others join in. Santa was generous, but the real gifts were the intangible ones, the ones that brought my family together.

Renewing intangible gifts

In the harried and increasingly over commercialized world of our modern holiday season, many lament the rapid disappearance of what we often call the "true meaning of the holidays." In large families and small, in single-parent and extended families, parents are struggling to preserve and renew the intangible gifts of the season.

How do we do this for our children? Jo Robinson and Jean Coppock Staeheli, who help families create value-centered holidays in their book Unplug the Christmas Machine: How to Have the Christmas You've Always Wanted (Quill Publishing, 1982), surveyed children, parents, and child specialists. They found that, during the holiday season, children want loving time with family, realistic expectations about the number and kinds of gifts they might receive, an evenly paced holiday, and strong family traditions.

The following are some ways that parents across the country have set out to renew the spirit of the holidays:

Address commercialism and set realistic expectations

It is impossible to get away from the commercialism of the holidays entirely, given peer pressure among kids and the fact that they are bombarded by materialistic messages. But adults can minimize advertising's effects by helping children from an early age to process and understand the messages they see on TV or in print.

Further, parents need to talk to their children about expense and the idea of "tradeoffs." Many parents are initiating these conversations with their children.

Says Mark, the father of three: "I look at television commercials with my children. We talk about how products are made to look appealing or more exciting than they are. I ask questions like, 'Do you believe that wearing a pair of $100 running shoes will really make you popular?" Will drinking a particular beverage make you happier? "What is happiness anyway?' Our children sometimes come up with surprising and insightful ideas about things that really do make people happy, such as family time and good friends."

Patricia, the mother of sons 9 and 5, says: "I often talk about toys and how we imagine they might work. I ask, 'Do you think the toy will do what the commercials say it will?' We talk about whether the toy will really be as much fun as it is made to seem and how the boys think they would play with it. I ask them, 'What happened to the robot that you absolutely had to have for your birthday?'"

Sometimes, Patricia says, her sons realize that the toy is not really what they want, and sometimes they decide it is. "But at least they are thinking about the products...advertised, and they are beginning to make informed choices."

Another family spreads holiday festivities out and lets the children know in advance what the holidays will hold.

"We put off important family celebrations until the week before Christmas and reserve some favorite activities until afterward, such as a...dinner with family and friends," says mother Sara. "We also make a...calendar with the kids that shows what will happen on each day, so they know what to expect. For example, we draw a Christmas tree on the calendar to indicate the day we will put it up and decorate it. It helps us pace the holiday and makes expectations clear."

Sara and her husband talk to their children about the gifts they should expect. "This year we told them that they would each be getting one large gift and three small ones along with their stocking stuffers. We all agreed that this was enough," Sara says.

Provide every opportunity to give

Some families offset the deluge of messages children receive about holiday "getting" by focusing on giving to others.

"We are filling one another's stockings with homemade gift certificates," said Carole, a mother of three. "Each one is figuring out ways to help each other in the new year—like offering a chore-free day—and then giving their services in a certificate."

Parents Paula and Fred said, "Because our family is Jewish and we celebrate Hanukkah [an eight-day festival] rather than Christmas during December, we ... spend the 25th delivering meals to the homebound, visiting nursing homes, or reading stories at a children's hospital.

"During Hanukkah, we try to use at least one night to highlight giving to charity," they added. "The kids decide where they want to spend their donations. The occasion usually leads to a nice discussion about values."

Tucson mother Anne said: "During the Thanksgiving season, every time we go to the grocery store, we buy one extra nonperishable item. The kids help choose it, and they keep a bag in the kitchen until it's full."

Then the family makes a trip to the local Red Cross to deliver the groceries. "We also make sure that our children are involved in some sort of charitable giving or volunteer project during the holiday," Anne adds. "And every year the children go through all of their toys and find several to take to the homeless shelter."

Focus on traditions

Rituals and traditions bring the family together and promote strength and unity. These need not be huge events. In fact, it is often the small and simple ritual or tradition that is the most meaningful. Children should play a central role in preparing for these holiday occasions.

Here are what some families are doing to keep family traditions alive:

"One night of Hanukkah we spend playing dreidel [a children's game], discussing the story behind Hanukkah, and eating our big latke dinner," said Michele, whose youngest is now 15.

"We talk to our children about the holiday and tell them a story about says. "Then we go home and read 'The Night Before Christmas.'"

A Colorado mother of three describes her family's tradition. "Every year, my children and I bake bread," she says. "We spend hours in the kitchen, listening to Christmas music, mixing dough, and wrapping the bread in bright packages. Then the kids deliver the packages to the neighbors...[The children] are learning a valuable lesson about the rewards of giving."

This same family also obtains a permit yearly to cut their own Christmas tree in a designated area. "A week or two before Christmas, we pack the saw and ropes and a picnic lunch. The kids still talk about...sitting under huge snowflakes, munching on chicken, and sipping warm cocoa last year after finding the most majestic tree in the woods," says Mom.

"We also plan to take the children to one special event during the holidays. It might be to hear Handel's 'Messiah' or to see a performance of 'The Nutcracker.' And every Christmas Eve we go to midnight mass."

Stephanie, a mother of two, said: "We stress that Hanukkah is a time to celebrate the bravery of the Maccabees and how beautiful the menorah is. We spend the evening reading aloud stories like Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins. We say the berachot, or blessing, for lighting the Hanukkah candles. We make latkes and eat chocolate Hanukkah geld."

Carol, a single mother in Montana, said: "Since my daughter was 5, we've spent News Year's Eve traveling the world by cooking. We look for recipes with familiar ingredients and those I can enlist my daughter's help on." Mother and daughter have "traveled" to India, Mexico, Switzerland, Italy, China. "Already in October, my daughter begins to ask which country we are going to this year," says Carol.

All of these families have developed their own approach to adding meaning to the holidays. Basically, parents and children thought through what they wanted the season to be, then planned for it.

During the holidays, children hear many messages, often containing contradictory values. Parental guidance can help them keep the commercial message in its proper perspective while focusing on the deeper, spiritual meaning of the holidays.

Kathy Brandt is a freelance writer in Colorado Springs, Colo.

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Septmember 1997

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